Hands

Of course I’ve been flipping out about ‘do I like this guy?’ all weekend, but come Monday when I felt a wall start to build between us I flipped even worse and looked for time to spend with him to try and get him back. It seems to be evident that I don’t want to lose him. Well, that’s one way to test it. Good to know.

So today we found a few minutes for lunch together, then he met me at the Spiritual Warfare class. The class was pointed towards healing prayer and at the end he asked everyone to open up to the holy spirit and see if he highlights anyone in particular. Eric almost immediately raised his hand after the silence and said ‘pain in the right knee, rotator cuff.’ or something to that affect. A guy claimed that it was him and he went to the front. Then a guy with a sore shoulder, then someone said they felt dizzy, heavy, and blurry eyed (which was me since my blood sugar was high)

I went up and immediately started guarding myself for whatever turned up (since I’ve never been healed in a setting like this) After he prayed for me I returned to my seat and re-checked my bloodsugar. (it was 50 points lower, but I had taken insulin before I went up) People around me started praying for me and my leg started twitching relentlessly. I kept feeling fogged and such.

Eventually Lauren Smythe kept saying ‘forgiveness’ and eventually I got sucked back into the basement in Field Ct. and broke. I sobbed loud for the first time in a very long time. They talked of forgiving God and forgiving my mom. I still don’t forgive her. I still can’t, no matter how freaking hard I try.

Eric came about half way through and sat by me the entire time. After the meeting dispersed and I was very sure that all this spiritual stuff has at least the foothold of my bitterness and unforgiveness that I have to work on, Eric and I went on a walk. He said he felt honored to have been there with me as I went through that experience. He had his arm around my shoulder and I had mine around his waist. It felt almost natural (not entirely, though, probably because we’re just new to this entire thing. We shared more of our lives and what the night was like and such, and just walked. Later he walked me back to Lissner and we sat on a couch in the commons. It was the first time I leaned my body against him (with my legs hanging off the couch arm). We held hands and talked about the future a bit. I don’t think of the future at all and that’s how I’m functioning in a relationship now. (What about tomorrow or the week?") Now I know that he only intends to date to see if marrage is an option. We agreed that when/if it becomes blaringly apparent that we will never get married, then we would break up. For now our relationship is explorational: a safe place to explore what a relationship looks like and what our relationship looks like. “Let’s see where this goes,” is my motto. In the midst of conversation we were holding hands and he started to play with one of mine, but placing it in his and rolling it around in different ways. I rolled his around in turn and soon our hands (one hand each) were almost playing a game together. I really liked it. I felt so comfortable; so natural there. He and I fit very well (except his hands are bigger and thicker than mine, so lacing fingers is not an easy feat to keep for long)